This weekend marks the opening of our third "Expendables" film. Yes it leaked online weeks ago, but that's small potatoes.
No minor setback could hinder Sylvester Stallone's box office take, not when he's in a film so inundated with action stars that each one has roughly 4.2 seconds of screen time (at which point they have their choice of high-fiving Stallone, casually ignoring an explosion or shooting an intern dressed in SWAT gear, before being hurriedly shuffled off-screen).
It is our firm belief that "The Expendables" should continue for at least seven more sequels, enough that Stallone and his team can effectively ensure they've included anyone who has ever had the lead role in any action film, ever, at any time. And there's no better place to begin casting the next outing than with the oldest action stars currently on the market.
Because nothing says "The Expendables" like a group of AARP members drinking beer, swapping stories of bravado, and occasionally remembering that there is a live camera currently pointed at them and they should probably start acting at some point.
So the following are the eight oldest, toughest action heroes who deserve a shot in "The Expendables 4"- all over 60, and all sorted by age.
No minor setback could hinder Sylvester Stallone's box office take, not when he's in a film so inundated with action stars that each one has roughly 4.2 seconds of screen time (at which point they have their choice of high-fiving Stallone, casually ignoring an explosion or shooting an intern dressed in SWAT gear, before being hurriedly shuffled off-screen).
It is our firm belief that "The Expendables" should continue for at least seven more sequels, enough that Stallone and his team can effectively ensure they've included anyone who has ever had the lead role in any action film, ever, at any time. And there's no better place to begin casting the next outing than with the oldest action stars currently on the market.
Because nothing says "The Expendables" like a group of AARP members drinking beer, swapping stories of bravado, and occasionally remembering that there is a live camera currently pointed at them and they should probably start acting at some point.
So the following are the eight oldest, toughest action heroes who deserve a shot in "The Expendables 4"- all over 60, and all sorted by age.
Jackie Chan
Age: 60
Reasons for Expendability: "The Expendables" is heavy with traditional American heroes, who tend to focus on having the musculature of a musk ox and shooting guns the size of tractors, and lighter on the heroes of foreign cinema. Which is where Jackie Chan comes in.
Chan could share some of the martial arts burden currently on the shoulders of Jet Li, while also being slightly more humor-adept than Lee is.
Interestingly enough, Chan has already been this close to a part in the second and third "Expendables" films- a combination of scheduling issues and Chan being wary of a five minute walk-on role have kept him away from the franchise.
But according to Stallone, securing Chan is a priority for "Expendables 4." And according to Chan, Stallone has been blowing up his phone with offers for an "Expendables 4" part. This may just work after all.
Age: 60
Reasons for Expendability: "The Expendables" is heavy with traditional American heroes, who tend to focus on having the musculature of a musk ox and shooting guns the size of tractors, and lighter on the heroes of foreign cinema. Which is where Jackie Chan comes in.
Chan could share some of the martial arts burden currently on the shoulders of Jet Li, while also being slightly more humor-adept than Lee is.
Interestingly enough, Chan has already been this close to a part in the second and third "Expendables" films- a combination of scheduling issues and Chan being wary of a five minute walk-on role have kept him away from the franchise.
But according to Stallone, securing Chan is a priority for "Expendables 4." And according to Chan, Stallone has been blowing up his phone with offers for an "Expendables 4" part. This may just work after all.
Hulk Hogan
Age: 61
Reasons for Expendability: Ok, counting Hulk Hogan as an action star is definitely a bit of a stretch. But he's been a staple of the pro wrestling circuit for decades, so he's a tough old dude, and he knows show biz. Also, "3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain."
That's enough to count Hollywood Hogan in for a little "Expendables" time- and besides, we all know his "I am incapable of speaking at any volume below a scream" charisma would be a great counterbalance to the quippy, quotey camera-winking preferred by Sly Stallone and his compatriots.
Plus, you know there'd be a golden opportunity for Hogan to bodyslam a guy off a building or something. And if the first "Expendables" film was allowed to cast Stone Cold Steve Austin, then it's only fair we give Hulk Hogan a turn too.
Age: 61
Reasons for Expendability: Ok, counting Hulk Hogan as an action star is definitely a bit of a stretch. But he's been a staple of the pro wrestling circuit for decades, so he's a tough old dude, and he knows show biz. Also, "3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain."
That's enough to count Hollywood Hogan in for a little "Expendables" time- and besides, we all know his "I am incapable of speaking at any volume below a scream" charisma would be a great counterbalance to the quippy, quotey camera-winking preferred by Sly Stallone and his compatriots.
Plus, you know there'd be a golden opportunity for Hogan to bodyslam a guy off a building or something. And if the first "Expendables" film was allowed to cast Stone Cold Steve Austin, then it's only fair we give Hulk Hogan a turn too.
Liam Neeson
Age: 62
Reasons for Expendability: Liam Neeson takes his action heroics a little more seriously than some of the others on this list, but that doesn't mean he isn't right for "The Expendables." Think of Neeson as the subdued Irish menace to Stallone's incomprehensible yelling fervor. They'd be a perfect duo.
Besides, Neeson is over 60, he knows how to be intimidating and to murder people on screen, and how to spout a few cheap quips while doing so. If Kelsey Grammer can count as an "Expendable" after one "X-Men" and one "Transformers" role (seriously-Kelsey Grammer) than Neeson is more than deserving of a spot on the team.
Age: 62
Reasons for Expendability: Liam Neeson takes his action heroics a little more seriously than some of the others on this list, but that doesn't mean he isn't right for "The Expendables." Think of Neeson as the subdued Irish menace to Stallone's incomprehensible yelling fervor. They'd be a perfect duo.
Besides, Neeson is over 60, he knows how to be intimidating and to murder people on screen, and how to spout a few cheap quips while doing so. If Kelsey Grammer can count as an "Expendable" after one "X-Men" and one "Transformers" role (seriously-Kelsey Grammer) than Neeson is more than deserving of a spot on the team.
Carl Weathers
Age: 66
Reasons for Expendability: Carl Weathers is one of those men who, despite being somebody's grandpa (note: we're not actually sure if Weathers is a grandpa, but at 66 he's certainly old enough to be) is still roughly the size of a Mack truck.
That's a plus. As is Weathers' particular brand of action movie swagger, which is a perfect fit for "The Expendables"- loud and gregarious and sometimes a little dumb (see "Predator" and "Rocky" for the first two, "Action Jackson" for the third). Plus, he's already got an in with both Schwarzenegger and Stallone, thanks to those first two films.
And with to "Arrested Development," we know Weathers has more than his share of comedic talent, so keeping up with established quippers like Terry Crews or Harrison Ford should be a cakewalk.
Age: 66
Reasons for Expendability: Carl Weathers is one of those men who, despite being somebody's grandpa (note: we're not actually sure if Weathers is a grandpa, but at 66 he's certainly old enough to be) is still roughly the size of a Mack truck.
That's a plus. As is Weathers' particular brand of action movie swagger, which is a perfect fit for "The Expendables"- loud and gregarious and sometimes a little dumb (see "Predator" and "Rocky" for the first two, "Action Jackson" for the third). Plus, he's already got an in with both Schwarzenegger and Stallone, thanks to those first two films.
And with to "Arrested Development," we know Weathers has more than his share of comedic talent, so keeping up with established quippers like Terry Crews or Harrison Ford should be a cakewalk.
Reasons for Expendability: This is a no-brainer. If "Expendables 3" can nab Mel Gibson, then it's only right for "Expendables 4" to get his "Lethal Weapon" co-star.
But Glover would be eligible even he wasn't the exasperated peanut butter to Gibson's unhinged (and yes, horrifyingly prejudiced) grape jelly. By our count, aside from his four "Lethal Weapons," Glover has put beatdowns on a variety of bad dudes throughout the years, be they alien ("Predator 2"), cowboy ("Silverado"), or pointlessly creative psychopath ("Saw").
And if that wasn't enough, this year Glover starred in "Bad Asses," a film based entirely around the concept of senior men establishing dominance over younger generations by beating them savagely with their bare fists.
Besides, "Expendables 4" is begging for a scene where Glover delivers his timeless "I'm too old for this shit" line, and Sly Stallone throws back a response that's clever the first time, then slowly grates on you after being repeated in 20,000 trailers and TV spots.
Reasons for Expendability: It's kind of stunning that Danny Trejo hasn't been in an "Expendables" film yet- you'd think Stallone would have taken one look at "Machete" and put Trejo's number on speed dial.
Funny thing, that. Turns out Trejo actually was cast in the original "Expendables" film, to court a Latin audience. And then, according to Trejo, once the money had been raised from those Trejo-craving Latin viewers and "The Expendables" had its budget, Stallone kicked Trejo to the curb.
Total jerk move. But there's a way Stallone and co. can make amends- offer Trejo a juicy part of the next one. Maybe even with a generous salary bump and a small fortune's worth of knives, so that he may eviscerate an army of extras at his leisure. It's the decent thing to do.
Age: 84
Reasons for Expendability: Clint Eastwood is the epitome of the older gentleman who can still turn thugs and villains into quivering puddles of fear-urine with a single squint ("Gran Torino" is a film based entirely around this concept).
That's a skill the "Expendables" team currently lacks, and while Eastwood doesn't act so much anymore (mostly, he stays behind the camera), it's an enormous stretch to consider an "Expendables" role to be a form of acting .
At the wizened age of 84, he might not be up for "Expendables"-level stunts- say, ricocheting a motorcycle off a ballistic missile that's just been launched by Sylvester Stallone punching a laptop in half- but he can always take a supporting role. Or he could just strap himself into that motorcycle anyway, because "The Expendables" isn't really the franchise to balk at something ludicrous and almost certainly life-threatening.
Reasons for Expendability: If "The Expendables" truly wants to make it into the pantheon of "older action stars and explosions" history, what it needs to do is hire the oldest star still capable of operating a firearm and standing unassisted.
That star would be Christopher Lee. The guy's been doing this for the better part of a century; besides, Lee would make just about the greatest villain in "Expendables" history. By the time the fourth film comes around, it'll have roughly 30-40 heroes on the roster, and you need a villain that can stand up to that level of pure testosterone without spontaneously combusting.
Christopher Lee's gravitas is so all-encompassingly, timelessly huge (Saruman huge, Dracula huge, "Man with the Golden Gun" huge) that he could potentially stand toe-to-toe with several buses' full of the 80s finest heroes and make it all the way to the end of a feature film.
At that point, presumably, Stallone would punch him in half, strap both halves to separate fighter jets, and remote pilot them into each other while Twisted Sister's "I Wanna Rock" blasts on the soundtrack
No comments:
Post a Comment